Cigarettes and Seahorses
To: Albania
cc: Sali Berisha, Edi Rama, Skanderbeg, Ismail Kadare, Jim Belushi
Subject: Bad Press
Hello Albania. I hope this letter finds you well. Sorry about all the bad press coverage you have been getting in the media lately. Those Brits have no right to criticize your citizens' "bombed-out" teeth. I don't really have any experience in public relations, but I thought that maybe I could help you avoid future embarrassing exposes. So, here a few ideas on how to become a better nation.
1. Stop Littering
I think I have written about this before, but it still happens and it still makes me mad so you are going to hear about it again whether you like it or not.
It was a beautiful day here last Tuesday, so I made my way out to the beach at Porto Romano just outside of Durres. The peoplewatching had been going smoothly for a while when I spotted a man heading into the water. He was smoking (no surprise there), but as he had walked out to where his hips were in the water, he casually flipped his half-smoked cigarette into the water beside him.
Shocking!! That's probably your reaction. I know this because that is how I felt the first 20 times I saw people throw trash into the sea. I suppose the people just assume that the fish like to eat cigarettes, napkins, and half-eaten corncobs.
I guess what I am saying is, please tell your citizens to stop complaining about how dirty and trashed their country is while they throw trash on the street.
2. Give Pedestrians the Right-of-Way
I enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes with fear as much as the next guy, but I really don't need a rush every time I leave my house. Where are all the people in such a hurry to go to that they need to put my life in danger? Surely they can wait an extra five minutes for their coffee. I think Albanians are some of the best in the world at going nowhere fast.
Also, if there happens to be a giant pot hole in the middle of the road (like the one in front of my house), please don't drive on the sidewalk. Again, I understand your need to hurry to nowhere, but what happens when you make pot holes in the sidewalk?
3. Turn Down the Music at Your Weddings
Marriage definitely deserves to be celebrated (especially when it has been pre-arranged), but is it really necessary to include the entire city in your celebration? Don't get me wrong, I really like the same 5, polyphonic songs you play repeatedly for 7 hours straight, but around about 3 a.m. it may be considerate to lower the volume level from ear drum shattering to simply window rattling.
I hope this is helpful.
Sincerely,
David Sheern
P.S. If you want to start a blood feud with that Gill guy in Anglia, I know some guys who know some guys.
posted by David Sheern @ 12:18 PM
16 comments
16 Comments:
Hey David, i liked this, except for the blood feud comment.
If you don't mind I will send it to some Albanian friends.
Cheers
hey david,
firstly you need to improve your writing skills. It seemed as it was written by a 7 year old child, who writes about vacations. Second, you have to find a destination for your self, albanians have their goals that's why they are on rush most of the time, but you did not have where to go and came to Albania, and since you do not have what to do you thought you will become somebody by criticizing.
Man, I am not gonna say anything about the content becuase it does not mean anything at all, it just makes us understand your situation (which is worse and you can not stand it anymore). Sorry.. really sorry, maybe you will start to think about your life not others.
Sincerely,
Albania
David,
cc: all Albanians
probably you have noticed that Albanians don't like to be criticized at. The first thing that comes to their (our) minds is self-defense, which has become somehow instinctual. Rather than trying to understand the criticism directed at them and see how much truth is in there, they choose to defend themselves at any cost and ignore whatever you tell them (us). Personally I feel that you are right because I cope with the same problems everyday. And honestly, you have been really gentle by mentioning only three problems out of 1000.
Now allow me to be an Albanian (which is what I really am) for one moment:). No matter how unfortunate, bad, and against the human rights it is, the pre-arranged wedding is a custom which still persists mainly in rural areas of Albania, Kosovo and western Macedonia. I don't agree with that custom, as a matter of fact I am totally against it, but it is a custom of a people, it is part of their (our) culture passed on by generations from God knows which times. As a result, one cannot criticize the culture or the customs of a peoples, it is not something criticizeable :). You like it or you don't! Personally, I don't like it at all.
Thank you very much because you are a friend of Albanian people and not those who tell us that we are great ancient people.
Alban.
P.S. remember, Albanians don't like to be criticized at :)
O alban filozofi, t'qifsha kryt
Albanians:
when somebody gives you constructive criticism it is normally a sign of appreciation. You may disagree with it, but don't shoot the messenger...
I think David really likes you, otherwise he would have ditched you all long ago...
what is going on here?!
Why are you picking on the guy?!
And the pre-arranged marriages?! For Pete's sake! As far as I know, that's a myth.
Albanians might have many habits...bad habits...but that is normal as in any other culture in the world.
What should we say about the huge amount of food that americans throw in the garbage everyday when there are so many people starving in the world???
Should we say that americans are just a bunch of fat people???
what should we say about the fact that everything is so individaulized there......when people see someone laying in the street and do not extend their hand to help?? Should we say that americans are all mean???
Of course not......PLEASE DO NOT GENERALIZE A WHOLE NATION DUE TO SOME ACTIONS THAT YOU HAVE SEEN...THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO AS A FORIGNER WORKING IN A COUNTRY THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN.....
It always amazes me that foreigners who come to another country tend to emphases the "dark " sides of a culture..... Why no one talks about genereosity, sense of community, respect, joy, positivity there is in the albanian cutlure...
Your comment on the wedding is really stupid....
Well anonymous (I am writing right after you) I think you are a typical Albanian case who suffers from Criticismus Allergicus :). So what if Americans are fat and mean? What does that change about you and the Albanian people? Nothing of course. Still everybody drives like crazy (and of course everyone wants to have a mercedes benz-more than half of those stolen), Durres beaches get littered but not cleaned, Saranda beaches are turning into concrete beaches, loud music (of course, everyone must know that you're listening music), not giving way to pedestrians but rather trying to run over them, etc, etc. Don't tell me David is generalizing because he is not, you find this all around. Of course we have good and positive characteristics, and there are a lot of good and honest Albanians but that's not the point. The point is that we have lots of problems and we are the poorest nation in Europe, we are the laggards of European integration. Even Serbia and Macedonia that have been through wars are well ahead of us. The only way we can progress is by identifying and acknowledging our weaknesses and trying to find practical solutions to them.
If you think Scanderbeg was a great guy, well good because that's what I think too. But he's been dead for 500 years now and we need to move forward.
Cheersy!
Well....latest anonymous
here is my response....
if people keep on criticizing a culture that is not good either...
simple example: does anyone improve his/her behaviour if others keep on telling: you are stupid...you are stupid...you are stupid!!!!
Of course not!!! They will end up thinking they are stupid and will find confort in that position.
My point is to have a positive criticism....Whenever someone writes about another culture they should present both sides, appreciate the good it is in it and encourage people to change not blame and point the finger......
Guys, take it easy, there is nothing wrong with the comments. I am Albanian, living in NYC, found nothing wrong with them. Actually, they have to be appreciated for the underlying sense of humor surrounding them. Humor, guys, try that one for the next 50 years, give it a chance, see if it works, it might just make you a happy and secure people for a change! Why do you guys find appreciation only in comments positively approving your existence? You can say whatever you want, as a nation, your existence is not necessarily admired, much less desired. So take it with a smile, the country is overflowing with garbage, the people drive like crazy, and appreciate the last comment for its humor, not for its serious analysis of culture and breed. The same goes for Gill’s article, written in the accents of the darker British humor. Oh… I am generalizing! I hope I did not offend the British and their humor!!!
Well......that article has hurt many albanians...good for you that you take things with humor...
I actually don't find anything funny in that....it's so sad that people have fun looking down at other cultures...
I am actually happy you are living in NYC so you can contribte some to a country that is already developed...and can laugh at us others while you are there
I have been personally kept awake by annoying wedding music playing 15 blocks away from the apartment.
I have been witness to the blatant disregard of many Albanians concerning the littering and the conscious destruction our micro-environment.
I have been scandalized by the unimaginable horrors of traffic in Albania.
I can also name another hundred flaws of Albania and the Albanian people easily, but I am not going to do that here.
However, I am an Albanian, and have the right to criticize my own people. David as an American should understand better than anybody else how sensitive people can get when their nation is criticized. It’s not your right to criticize the hand that’s feeding you.
As an American I would look back at a cheating, lying president who is destroying our planet at far faster rates than any Albanian president could. As an American I would open my eyes at the hatred that the US foreign policy has caused to the greater part of people in the world. As an American I would look back as the biggest offenders in the lost battle of global warming. And on a lighter note, I would definitely re-evaluate your pop-culture based on idolizing teen boppers, violence, and the fast-food Gods.
You consider those things, and I will make sure to frown upon the people who toss their ciggy-butts in the Adriatic.
Yours Truly,
~its
David very nice. You can add nr. 4 ..albanians do not understand 2nd degree :-)
An albanian
I am British and have lived in Greece for over 20 years and each of the points David made about Albania would apply here too. The idea that someone cannot criticise a place where one lives simply because one was not born there is outdated in the modern world where people emigrate so easily - when people cross an international border they do not leave behind the right to pass judgement on what they see around them - at least when they are moving to a country which supports free speech. To suggest that a foreigner has no right to criticise his place of residence is simply to stump up a trite, easy-way-out answer to those criticisms. I also criticise aspects of Greece and usually get a similar response from the locals. It is simpler for them to do so than accept that improvements could be made, and **far** simpler than to actively set about making such changes. Certainly, few people enjoy being criticised, but it is a sign of maturity to accept criticism when it is apt and a sign of even greater maturity when one makes changes to one's lifestyle to be more considerate to those around us.
Culture thats what the wedding is it has been going on for 100 years and by god will go on for another 100. Dave i really appreciate what you have done in my country and as an Albanian i thank you but because you have lived in Albanian and helped them doesn't mean you can criticize are culture, you can go ahead and say we trash the beach the streets and we trash the country but you can't say that we should stop applying are culture because a nations culture is there pride. Maybe to you it;s stupid and annoying but to us is are culture because your don't have this tradition in you doesn't mean they shouldn't be in Albanian. you should look it in the other point how would you feel if i criticized your American culture like i say "you guys should stop BBQ when ever you got a celebration. we know that you are celebrating but you don't have to make the whole street smell like hot dogs" how would you feel about that
And for the comment about skenderbeu what if he has been dead for 500 or 5000 years he is and will always be our hero and by fare the most important person in Albanian history and as an Albanian i am proud to say that Skenderbeu is my countries pride
Culture thats what the wedding is it has been going on for 100 years and by god will go on for another 100. Dave i really appreciate what you have done in my country and as an Albanian i thank you but because you have lived in Albanian and helped them doesn't mean you can criticize are culture, you can go ahead and say we trash the beach the streets and we trash the country but you can't say that we should stop applying are culture because a nations culture is there pride. Maybe to you it;s stupid and annoying but to us is are culture because your don't have this tradition in you doesn't mean they shouldn't be in Albanian. you should look it in the other point how would you feel if i criticized your American culture like i say "you guys should stop BBQ when ever you got a celebration. we know that you are celebrating but you don't have to make the whole street smell like hot dogs" how would you feel about that
And for the comment about skenderbeu what if he has been dead for 500 or 5000 years he is and will always be our hero and by fare the most important person in Albanian history and as an Albanian i am proud to say that Skenderbeu is my countries pride
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